Red fish, blue fish

Dear Mel,

I’m happy you’re coming back from Hogwarts, we have so much to talk about. On a semi related note, I just read a Buzzfeed style article on what people with anxiety want their friends to know. I’ve been attracted to these articles lately and I think it’s because I’m getting to a point where even if I’m as ashamed as ever, I’m ready for others to know and maybe try and understand and discover whether or not they’ll love me anyway. A few weeks ago my yoga instructor said that the belief you will only be loved conditionally creates tension in the chest and I’m really fucking tired of feeling like there’s a fist trying to rip my lungs and heart out through my back, so I thought he may be right. Anyways, amongst other things this article mentioned how hard anxiety makes it to live the in the present. Even with mild anxiety that rings so true. You know what I’m supposed to do when I get anxious? Focus on my surroundings. Usually this is so hard I can’t even name stuff around me so I just list colors. Imagine that. I’ll be having an argument with my boyfriend and all of a sudden I go MIA for 5 minutes so I can be all “blue-blue-green-yellow-is that salmon?” in my head. That’s why plans help so much, they create an illusion of knowing somewhat what’s coming. That leaves just the past to deal with.

Sorry for the short post, we’ll talk soon.

Love a.